The Magic of an Ordinary Day

Happy Family Day

Today we celebrate being a family for four years.  Four years ago today Hannah was placed in our arms.  She was not happy...

 

She actually looked a little upset...

 

I quickly noticed I had the cryingest baby amongst our group that day...

 

(That's Woobie there with Miss Hannah) 

She finally stopped crying on the ride home to the hotel...

 

By the time we got back to the hotel she totally crashed out, exhausted from such an emotional day...

 

There were times when I thought she would never bond with me, and times when I thought she would never let me out of her sight.  But with love and patience we are a family. 

We are doing something special today for Family Day. The original plan was for a picnic in the mountains but since there are rain clouds hovering at about 7500 feet and it's chilly outside, we might amend our plans to include a movie and lunch.  As long as we do it together, right?

Happy New Year

I have to say that I'm happy to be leaving the dust of 2008 behind.  It wasn't what I was expecting. 

Mostly, I expected to be a Mom again in 2008.  Having that referral for five days only to have it taken away hurts more than I can ever explain to anyone.  I thought I was going crazy... I couldn't stop thinking of her.  I still think of her almost every day and wonder why everything that unfolded last July had to happen in such a cruel fashion.

I was awake at dawn on December 31st and I looked out the kitchen window and saw the sun come up I thought about how much I wanted to move forward.  The symbolic fresh start of a new year was a good thing.

I'm ready.

September first

Today is the day that the bilateral agreement between Vietnam and the United States expires.  Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity blog has a great post about it.  We had resigned ourselves to the fact that we will not be getting another child when our agency called and told us they would be getting no more referrals. 

We have started to move on.  We still mourn the loss of a little girl that we "had" for five days.  Unless you've been there, you can't understand how you start falling in love with a child that you've only seen in a photo.  But you do... I guess it's the adoptive parents way of starting the bonding process, just like bio parents show off their ultrasound photos.  I know that I will think of that little girl forever, and hope that she has a good life.

I had some exciting news on Friday that will change our family life for the better.  I'm going to wait until things are official before I post about it but we are all excited about the positive changes that will take place. 

I guess it's the one door closing, one door opening thing. 

Hannah and I both have a nasty cold, courtesy of someone in her pre K class.  One week to the day of her being in the germ-infested classroom... the virus strikes!  I am kind of annoyed because I have a hard time breathing (my asthma) every time I get a respiratory infection and I can't run when I'm sick.  Now I'll have to do a little catching up on the program I'm on.  Oh, well.  Then running has been going really well for me and I am really enjoying it. 

Happy Monday, y'all!

It's over

We talked to the director of the Vietnam program when we got back from the lake.  They will be getting no more referrals from Vietnam. 

The program is closing with us at the top of the list for referrals.

There's a baby who will be eligible for adoption on August 28th.  Too late to get it finalized by September 1st.  Man, if we only had one more month left in the program!

I've been pretty down.  It's been a hard pill to swallow, and it is 100 times worse knowing we had a referral and it was taken back. 

She gave us some options but I don't think I can do it again.  For those who haven't adopted you don't realize how invasive it is.  So much of your personal life out there for strangers to look at and scrutinize. It's almost humiliating to have to go through that, to be judged like that. 

And at the top of all the feelings I have, I feel that I am letting Hannah down by not getting a sibling for her.  My siblings are my friends, people I can talk to at any time and they really know me.  I wanted the same for her. 

Thank you

Thanks to everyone who has given us their support during this difficult time.  The comments and emails have meant a lot to both of us.

Work on Saturday was a difficult day.  Everyone was offering congratulations and I had to say at least 20 times "well, actually...."  and explain what had happened to our referral.  After the first dozen or so times it rolled right off my tongue. 

So we are just in a horrible holding pattern.  It's hard to think of anything else.  I'm just trying to work a little bit extra, to stay busy. 

from the highest high to the lowest low

I sent this email to my friends and family this weekend.  It pretty much sums up what happened this week for us.

We have some bad news from the adoption front.  Five days after we received our referral a woman walked into the orphanage in Hanoi and identified herself as the Aunt of the baby we were going to adopt.  She said that both the parents were dead and that she wanted to raise the baby.  She provided enough information about her for the orphanage officials to believe her story to be true.  She left with the baby girl that we had already fallen in love with.

Needless to say, we were devastated by this news.  We received this news on Wednesday, and have spent the week trying to process everything and it has left us deeply saddened, confused and not very optimistic that we will get another referral by the time they close the adoption program.  To go from such a high to such a low has been one of the hardest things we have had to face during this 2 year long adoption process.  We still haven't found a way to tell Hannah.

There is no one to blame.  Our agency did everything it needed to to make this a solid referral.  When the child has the opportunity to be raised by blood relatives in their home country, the preference is of course to have her stay in Vietnam. 

We'd like to thank all of you for the support and good wishes you have given to us during this whole process.   The support of our friends and family will get us through this and for that we are very grateful.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog and has sent their support during our adoption journey.  A week ago I thought that journey would end with another beautiful daughter.  Today I'm not sure where it will take me.

We need to receive another referral by August 15th to meet the September 1st closure date.  We are both living in such a stressed out state that it is hard to describe.  I can't believe this cruel twist of fate.  I am quickly losing all hope, if it isn't already lost.

it' a girl!!

Just when we had reached our lowest point in the adoption process and were getting ready to give away our baby things, out of hope that anything would happen on the adoption front, our lives were turned upside down.

We received a call from our agency, Pearl S. Buck, that they have an 11 month old baby girl for us.

I think God has a wicked sense of humor.

She is just beautiful and healthy, if a little on the small and malnourished side.  She is waiting for us in Hanoi.  We will call her Maggie.

So here's our new daughter...

Adoption update

As the deadline for the closure of adoptions from Vietnam approaches, we are resigning ourselves to the fact that we will not be lucky enough to have another child.  There are some great updates from the Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity bog.  Although our dossier has been in Vietnam since last year, there are 5 people ahead of us on the list at our agency. 

Of course we understand why the US is shutting down the program.  I would never want to build my family on lies, corruption and the exploitation of the poor and powerless.  It still hurts to have your dream taken away, however. 

Words can't describe what we are feeling right now.  Loss, grief and a sense of second-guessing ourselves.  If only we had picked another program.  If only we had decided earlier to do another adoption.  And of course, there's the ever-present if only I wasn't so damn old when I decided to get into this parenthood thing.  Stuff like that.

We haven't told Hannah yet that she's not getting a baby brother.  I hope she's young enough to eventually forget about her brother "Copper" yet old enough to understand.

So with one eye on the calendar, we wait for September 1st.  The day they will close our file and send it back to the US if there is no referral by then.  It's gonna be a long six weeks.

September 1st

We will know on that day whether or not we will have another child in this family.  If we do not have a referral from Vietnam by then, they will close our file and return it to the United States.

The whole process, the irregularities in it and the United States Embassy statement are described well here.  I don't have the mental energy to summarize it now.  I'm just bereft of feelings... wanting to hope for the best, but having a feeling that this just isn't going to happen for us.  I'm just in this numb state of limbo. 

The fact that children are languishing in orphanages when they could have a loving family because of politics and greed sickens me.  The amount of money involved with this business is disgusting, and we're with an agency that doesn't bribe people and buy babies. 

If this doesn't work out, I'm done.  I don't have the emotional energy to do this again. 

Happy St. Patrick's day

And Happy Anniversary to us!  Three years ago, on March 17, 2005 at 11:13 in the morning we received a referral for the little baby girl who became our daughter, Hannah.  Here's the photo we received:

And here she is now:

She's such a comedic handful.  Even when she's being a bit of a stinker, she's (usually) always amusing.

And to honor my Irish heritage on this day, I found this little Irish Blessing that I thought was very cool:

Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.

Have a great day, everyone!!